how to rewrite an essay?

I want to rewrite an essay that I had written it about the differences high school and undergraduate students’ attitudes toward school.

I want to develop the ideas in the essay.

the essay had been checked and there is some advises written on the essay paper which may help.

the essay should be written as an academic essay. I want to improve the essay according to the requirements

I will attach two files for the same essay but one before checked and one after.

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